Jul
2
NKOTB
July 2, 2009 | Leave a Comment
(1 votes, average: 5 out of 5)
Loading ...Being who I am, I have certain liberties admitting that I’m a huge fan of New Kids on the Block. In fact they were in town earlier this past week, and Dale and I were able to swing some amazing tickets up close thanks to our dear friend Kate who knew someone who knew someone who got us all hooked up.
Well of course they played all our favorites, and we were simply in heaven — helped along the way by the flask full of shiraz that Dale smuggled in. Nevertheless, our backstage passes seem paltry in comparison to what Fate had in store for us that evening.
Early in the second set, I noticed a tall cougary woman minxing it up near the front row. She looked so very familiar, but I couldn’t place her. Dale and I tried for ten minutes to think of where we’d seen her before, and simply couldn’t. She wasn’t from any of our places: not Crate & Barrel, not Over the Rainbow or The Bottom Dollar, and certainly not from church.
That’s when it struck us — it was Rachel from work. Of course you remember that she’s the little number sent in from Doogleheimer & Schmitt Corporate to clean up all our audit problems. We barely recognized her without her schoolmarm outfit and dominatrix glasses. Still there she was in a tube top and denim miniskirt, trying to get Jordan’s attention like a little hussy.
We pulled out our wallets and bribed our way closer to the stage, seat-by-seat. A mere three-hundred dollars got us within a row of her, and I decided to shout her name. Dale wanted to make sure we got a picture to document her presence at the NKOTB concert.
She turned to face me as I yelled to her and Dale snapped the picture on his iPhone. Unfortunately, that was the exact moment that she chose to lift her shirt and flash Jordan Knight. I’m not sure she figured out who we were, but she turned back to the stage and gave a little shimmy for Jordan before covering up.
Well we know when we’ve gotten everything out of a situation we reasonable can, and though I desperately wanted to stay until the end and stalk the tour bus, Dale insisted we head home and email the picture of Rachel and her rack to everyone we know. On the way home, we talked it over and decided that the picture would serve us better as insurance against her typical meaningless impediments to real productivity around the office. I sighed at another gratification delayed by the hope for future disaster averted.
Ah, the sacrifices I make.
Posted by Chip
Jun
29
Salvage
June 29, 2009 | Leave a Comment
(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5) Loading ...After Tom lost his boat like a complete chump, he pretty moped around the office for a couple of weeks making the rest of us miserable. Which is on top of his normal routine of making us all inefficient and generally getting in the way. Problem was he put so much money into the massive engine he put on that stupid thing that he had no cash to get it out of salvage once he got it dredged up from the bottom of the harbor.
Idiot.
So after a month of this, I’m taking matters into my own hands. Vito tells me he knows a guy at the salvage yard and can have them break Tom’s boat out and make it look like it was never there. And normally I’d be like “sign me up, man.” But this time I can’t. Tom’s too fragile to leave hanging like that, and knowing him he’d point the cops to me not because he suspects me but because he’s too soft to blame any of the girls.
What does old Hal do? Of course I divert some funds out of Shipping to pay the salvage fee and get his boat out of hock. I tell them to tell Tom that it was some kind of administrative mistake and they he’s entitled to one free boat salvage every five years — by law. Now all I gotta do is make sure he goes five years without becoming a U-Boat commander again.
So now we’ve got the old Tom back, which is to say he’s still making life crazy for us and getting in the way and all. Only he’s not this pathetic sad sack about it. Geez. I’m still thinking about getting him an outboard motor that runs entirely on Paxil … maybe the fumes will keep things normal for us here at the office … just in case.
Posted by Hal (not some psycho computer, just the kid in shipping)
Jun
25
Payback is me
June 25, 2009 | Leave a Comment
(2 votes, average: 4 out of 5) Loading ...Apparently that idiot in Finance couldn’t keep his little mouth shut, so now everyone knows about me and Fred. And believe it or not, that’s the *good* news. The bad news is that not only did everyone know about me and Fred, but they also know the details of our little escalating office prank war a few months ago.
When I say that hey knew the details, I don’t mean that they knew that we were both playing pranks on each other. What I mean is that they knew it was Fred who got me deported to China.
So I was sitting at home (alone) last night. I had a bottle of Merlot, a good cry, and a whole pint of Ben & Jerry’s Mission to Marzipan. And I felt a bunch better. Emotionally that is. Physically I was sick. Then I had a good puke and then I was good all around.
But in addition to feeling better, I realized that I had a choice. My life is full of choices, and this was just one more crossroads for me. Do I forgive my boyfriend for just taking the last step in an escalating prank war that I admittedly started (and finished for that matter), or make sure that he knows who’s who by getting the payback that I’m due?
I decided that I’d wait and see. I’d wait until he really messed up and missed an important day, like my birthday or my mom’s birthday or the anniversary of the day we first went out or the day we nearly got caught messing around in the lunchroom or the day HR told us to cool it or we’d both be in real trouble. As soon as he forgets one of those days, it’s gonna rain down on him like … well like a rain full of pranks.
That’s the kind of maturity in my relationship that I can be proud of.
Posted by Tammy
Jun
22
The Welcome Wagon
June 22, 2009 | Leave a Comment
(1 votes, average: 4 out of 5) Loading ...Well I think Jan already let the cat out of the bag, so I’m not spoilin’ anything to say we’re in a dilly of a pickle down here. Seems some tax money’s gone missing and we need to just straighten that all out. Fortunately the good folks at Doogleheimer & Schmitt Corporate have sent down a lovely lady who’s going to help us just get everything all tidied up and help us follow all the rules and everything. That was so sweet of them!
Of course Tom wanted me to make sure to give her a big Branch 19 welcome and make sure she feels right at home once she got here. Now I wasn’t looking at the clock at the exact moment she arrived, but I do believe that she walked in our door precisely between 7:59 and 8:00 this morning. Now if that’s not precision, I don’t know what is!
Well of course I introduce Rachel around to everyone (that’s her name, sugar plum!), and if anyone was all business I suppose that darling Rachel was. She even helped me to see three corporate standards I was violating by how I had my desk arranged, when I was taking bathroom breaks, and how I was answering incoming phone calls. And she was so matter-of-fact about it — she said it was nothing — just her job to point things like that out to us all. And then of course she said a few things about us being renegades and lackadaisical and some other things that didn’t sound very polite if you were to ask me. And of course my momma always told me that if I don’t have anything nice to say about someone I should just say nothing at all. Perhaps her momma forgot to tell her that little bit of social etiquette. But anyway now that she was here, she’d be able to just get us back on the right track so none of all that good tax money’d never go missin’ again.
Of course if you have something good to say and something bad to say about someone, there’s no rule about saying them both. You just remember that.
Well that Rachel settled down to her job pointin’ out everyone’s faults just right away. I don’t think anyone hadn’t heard from her by noon. Bless her heart — she’s as mean as a horsefly in August but she sure can park her car just straight as a pin in that parking spot. Oh, I’m sure she’ll soften up once she gets over her first-day jitters. Don’tcha think?
Posted by Ginger
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